Numb

During my life I have been through many life changing experiences that have learned me many different things. Relationship wise I have been in long term relationships three life changing ones for me. The hardest thing that I have endured with each of those is the trust being broken. Caught my first husband messing around with some chick he worked with way before I had my baby and boy. I tried to get over it but I never really did. Second same shit but I was in a rehab facility for thirty days so there is that. Third chatting it up on video calls will the ex’s and messenger with another. I really try with people intentionally for commitment but I always end up with the same feeling, numb over the lack of respect. It catches up to a person after years of the same shit, you see it coming miles away. My standards are not much to ask for, honesty, love,respect, and loyalty . Maybe my depth as a person is scary for some, who knows. I know though without a doubt, I love me and the more I do the less numb I feel…

Gratitude 🌹

To say that I am grateful for each individual that I have encountered through life is a understatement. It has took me awhile to be able to come to complete terms with that. Even if we had our indifferences, I am still grateful because I learned something that I needed to. Regardless the moment big, small, good, bad, the gratitude is there. I have never felt more peace within myself when I really thought about things in that perspective. God really is all love and his love for me, I have the most gratitude for. I can never repay the gratitude he showed me but I will spend the rest of my days trying. Glory be all to my heavenly father which will always rein above.

Stay Blessed y’all ❤️

Always Searching

Always Searching has seemed to be a theme in my life. For many years I never knew what that was. All my life I have always had a strong desire to help people. The majority of my years have been spent people pleasing though and I never even realized it until it started to break me. Have you ever felt unwanted? I have. Not good enough, I have. Seems to have been a trend for me.

The feeling of yet my third marriage breaking, that searching feeling started to come back to me. What in the hell was wrong with me? I work my ass off, do all the wifey stuff and try to be good to everyone. If it could have happened I bet I thought it, that’s for sure. I felt that feeling coming a mile away. I was breaking yet again. I don’t really have close friends so I tend to bottle things up some. After some screaming and crying out to God, I figured it out.

It was him. He was what I searched for all my life that I had not once put him first in everything and I mean everything that I did. Always chasing the dollar, not making time for the things that meant the most to me. When I put him at the top he opened my eyes to many things and this peace. This unexplainable peace over came me and nothing mattered but him and what he wanted my life to look like. The concern I had of other peopled opinions didn’t matter to me anymore. He had seen my tears one too many times.

The personal relationship that you have with God can dictate your life good or bad it’s a choice that one makes for themselves. The peace, love, and light that I carry now is a gift from him to me. And it’s yours too, so if you haven’t, let go and let God.

1 John 1:9 Stay Blessed y’all ❤️🕊️

Pure Heart

Only God knows where a person heart is. This year has been a trial for me to say the least. And it’s because I turned my life over to him completely to do as his will may have me do. That is what drives me. My drive to spread love in anyway that I can and to raise awareness about God his gifts and love he has for each of us. My relationship with God has not been an easy one and I will be the first to say I learned the hard way the the majority of my life. The moment I cried out to God about this world and all the horrible things going on, he opened my eyes. In a way that is unexplainable. Since then I have struggling getting started on my dream job because through people closest to me trial after trial has appeared. Don’t get me wrong I struggle, but wholeheartedly I want nothing more to do what he told me. He knows my heart as well as I and I also knows the effects of the Butterfly 🦋

Idolizing

I want to talk about this from a different perspective. I believe this is a highly underrated subject . People think idolizing is something small when in fact it is not. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Our creator is a jealous God and expects to be number one in our lives.

I get in the world we live in today you have to have money to survive but it shouldn’t be priority over him. He has a purpose for each of us and it’s our responsibility to have a relationship with him and let him lead you in that direction while giving him the glory for it all. My entire life has been trial after trial chasing the wrong things because that’s what this world tells us. I won’t ever put things in front of him again. Think about it, America for instance was founded One Nation Under God, and now they are making coins facing away from that statement. It’s ridiculous and very disturbing. I realize everyone believes different but really sit back and think about what you are idolizing in life and where that has gotten you .

I think it’s time this world opens it’s eyes and start putting our God/creator back in his place at front and center. After all he is nothing but love so what’s the harm in that. Idolizing love is idolizing him and we all need that more than anything.

Stay Blessed y’all ❤️

Colossians 3:5

The Effect of the Butterfly

https://gofund.me/245fc6f9

Chain of command

Let’s talk about Ephesians 5:31 for a minute. You are suppose to honor your natural father and mother but when you unite with your partner you still respect them just differently. God is suppose to be number one regardless. Then your husband, wife, kids, then on down the line. I have failed miserablely with this many time but when I realized my way wasn’t working I went the other direction. Conflict will always be present when this isn’t implemented. Check your priorities out if things aren’t working out for you. Bliss and happiness is only relevant with him at the top. I learn something new everyday and by me embracing that boy let me just say it makes my life so much easier. Nobody ever explained anything to me growing up like this and it made a difference. The circle of life is real and if you don’t correct it now it’s going to come full circle again. Respect people yes but in their position…

Jealousy

Throughout my entire life, this emotion has been present. So needless to say I can recognize it a mile away. I love to see people do good and become better people. After all this journey is about that. Correcting our flaws and striving to walk christ-like. To turn all over to him and let him lead the way is a hard thing to do because we are all human. But it is necessary. My life has been turned upside down many times and when I sat back and examed myself, I figured out why. My first love was never christ, our maker, our creator. I wasn’t putting him first in everything that I did. I was chasing the world only to find heartache and sorrow. All the negative emotions one may feel going through life are not from him first and foremost. God is love. Regardless of your feelings, if the things you do are not from a place of love it’s not from him. Jealousy, envy, pridefulness, and wishing bad things on people are not from him or who he intended us to be. He intended us to be loving and uplifting. Having been on both sides of the street well I found what works now. It’s him and his love. He is a very jealous God too. He wants to be first above anything or anyone else, as he should. I have never felt such peace in my entire life as I have to moment my entire being was turned over to him. Check yourself though, your intentions with your actions. Where is your heart at? I know where my heart is and I want to encourage you if you don’t have a relationship with God, please try and strive for that peace. He knows all and sees all. After all the walk would be so much easier walking together.

Reaping the Actions

To say that I have had my fair share of struggles is an understatement some would say. But through it all, I can honestly say those tables always make the full turn. There was a period in my life that felt as if loss surrounded me. Felt as if a huge wall of dominos fell and hit the floor until I came to the understanding that the tables turned. I specifically remember after I had my son how relieved I felt because my pregnancy with him was hard. I had to use inhalers almost the entire time because he was so big. I was miserable during that pregnancy. His delivery was by far the easiest though. I was not planning on more kids after him. So my husband at the time decided to get a vasectomy after I had him. Long story short he didn’t listen to the doctor heed warning about still using protection for a period of time. I ended up pregnant, again. Not to mention dealing with the post- depression after delivery I was scared to death. I could not deal with this again, my mind nor body felt like it was going to pull through another pregnancy. My feelings and the words that I heard from him through me into turmoil and I went and had an abortion. He said that he would leave us because he could not and would not stick around. I had no support and that cut me to my core. So I did that and I have always regretted it. I knew in my heart that it was not right and that God would never want this. I did it anyway.

After that my life was a landslide of loss. Starting with my father, aunts, grandmothers, and uncles, everyone started passing away. My life was broken down to such a point that I didn’t see light at all. It took me six years off-grid pretty much to snap back into reality. And that was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to experience thus far. But I pushed, I worked on myself, and I made it back. Slowly building myself back up, I found myself again. That girl that lost her way during the storms of life. My point in writing this is to not only get it off my chest but to be a hope for someone else. To encourage someone to make decisions consciously and know and be aware of the repercussions of actions. I say tables turn based on experience and when I realized that I really felt that.