Numb

During my life I have been through many life changing experiences that have learned me many different things. Relationship wise I have been in long term relationships three life changing ones for me. The hardest thing that I have endured with each of those is the trust being broken. Caught my first husband messing around with some chick he worked with way before I had my baby and boy. I tried to get over it but I never really did. Second same shit but I was in a rehab facility for thirty days so there is that. Third chatting it up on video calls will the ex’s and messenger with another. I really try with people intentionally for commitment but I always end up with the same feeling, numb over the lack of respect. It catches up to a person after years of the same shit, you see it coming miles away. My standards are not much to ask for, honesty, love,respect, and loyalty . Maybe my depth as a person is scary for some, who knows. I know though without a doubt, I love me and the more I do the less numb I feel…

Gratitude 🌹

To say that I am grateful for each individual that I have encountered through life is a understatement. It has took me awhile to be able to come to complete terms with that. Even if we had our indifferences, I am still grateful because I learned something that I needed to. Regardless the moment big, small, good, bad, the gratitude is there. I have never felt more peace within myself when I really thought about things in that perspective. God really is all love and his love for me, I have the most gratitude for. I can never repay the gratitude he showed me but I will spend the rest of my days trying. Glory be all to my heavenly father which will always rein above.

Stay Blessed y’all ❤️

Always Searching

Always Searching has seemed to be a theme in my life. For many years I never knew what that was. All my life I have always had a strong desire to help people. The majority of my years have been spent people pleasing though and I never even realized it until it started to break me. Have you ever felt unwanted? I have. Not good enough, I have. Seems to have been a trend for me.

The feeling of yet my third marriage breaking, that searching feeling started to come back to me. What in the hell was wrong with me? I work my ass off, do all the wifey stuff and try to be good to everyone. If it could have happened I bet I thought it, that’s for sure. I felt that feeling coming a mile away. I was breaking yet again. I don’t really have close friends so I tend to bottle things up some. After some screaming and crying out to God, I figured it out.

It was him. He was what I searched for all my life that I had not once put him first in everything and I mean everything that I did. Always chasing the dollar, not making time for the things that meant the most to me. When I put him at the top he opened my eyes to many things and this peace. This unexplainable peace over came me and nothing mattered but him and what he wanted my life to look like. The concern I had of other peopled opinions didn’t matter to me anymore. He had seen my tears one too many times.

The personal relationship that you have with God can dictate your life good or bad it’s a choice that one makes for themselves. The peace, love, and light that I carry now is a gift from him to me. And it’s yours too, so if you haven’t, let go and let God.

1 John 1:9 Stay Blessed y’all ❤️🕊️

Pure Heart

Only God knows where a person heart is. This year has been a trial for me to say the least. And it’s because I turned my life over to him completely to do as his will may have me do. That is what drives me. My drive to spread love in anyway that I can and to raise awareness about God his gifts and love he has for each of us. My relationship with God has not been an easy one and I will be the first to say I learned the hard way the the majority of my life. The moment I cried out to God about this world and all the horrible things going on, he opened my eyes. In a way that is unexplainable. Since then I have struggling getting started on my dream job because through people closest to me trial after trial has appeared. Don’t get me wrong I struggle, but wholeheartedly I want nothing more to do what he told me. He knows my heart as well as I and I also knows the effects of the Butterfly 🦋

Idolizing

I want to talk about this from a different perspective. I believe this is a highly underrated subject . People think idolizing is something small when in fact it is not. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Our creator is a jealous God and expects to be number one in our lives.

I get in the world we live in today you have to have money to survive but it shouldn’t be priority over him. He has a purpose for each of us and it’s our responsibility to have a relationship with him and let him lead you in that direction while giving him the glory for it all. My entire life has been trial after trial chasing the wrong things because that’s what this world tells us. I won’t ever put things in front of him again. Think about it, America for instance was founded One Nation Under God, and now they are making coins facing away from that statement. It’s ridiculous and very disturbing. I realize everyone believes different but really sit back and think about what you are idolizing in life and where that has gotten you .

I think it’s time this world opens it’s eyes and start putting our God/creator back in his place at front and center. After all he is nothing but love so what’s the harm in that. Idolizing love is idolizing him and we all need that more than anything.

Stay Blessed y’all ❤️

Colossians 3:5

The Effect of the Butterfly

https://gofund.me/245fc6f9

Chain of command

Let’s talk about Ephesians 5:31 for a minute. You are suppose to honor your natural father and mother but when you unite with your partner you still respect them just differently. God is suppose to be number one regardless. Then your husband, wife, kids, then on down the line. I have failed miserablely with this many time but when I realized my way wasn’t working I went the other direction. Conflict will always be present when this isn’t implemented. Check your priorities out if things aren’t working out for you. Bliss and happiness is only relevant with him at the top. I learn something new everyday and by me embracing that boy let me just say it makes my life so much easier. Nobody ever explained anything to me growing up like this and it made a difference. The circle of life is real and if you don’t correct it now it’s going to come full circle again. Respect people yes but in their position…

Holding On/Letting Go

We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. It’s a little ironic, isn’t it. To completely let go and let God is the hardest battle I have continued to fight my entire life. To be so caught up in what we want is a hard cycle to break. Is it what he wanted you to do though. The moment I asked God to take over my life and drive is the day I felt as if I was fighting for my life. One damn thing after another. It’s disheartening to say the least. So here comes the it is what it is mindset.

At the beginning I asked God to use me. To lead me down the path he intended me to be on and glorify his name. To remove any malicious people with bad intentions toward me or my life. Let me just say boy did I see the light. The light that didn’t burn. Sorta ironic isn’t it. The lord has showed me things that I can’t begin to explain while allowing me to work on myself. Life is tough people. Just because someone may look a certain way or carry themselves a certain way doesn’t mean they are not struggling somewhere. Always be kind regardless, you just never know what a person may be dealing with.

If you don’t know it already, you are called period. Called to do greatness to glorify God. If you are uncertain you have to have that relationship first. Putting God on the mountain where he belongs and well the climb is painful but necessary. I know who I am and what my goals are because he showed me the way. He showed me exactly who he intended me to be. And nobody will stand in my way ever again.

Silenced

Writing for me has always been an outlet. I was a shy and awkward little girl and found it easier to put my feelings on paper instead of voicing them. Maybe it was because I feared being rejected or making someone angry. Paper is not opinionated, so I could freely express my thoughts or feelings. From journaling, to writing essays in school, reports, poetry or just me sitting in my room practicing my handwriting skills, I enjoyed it all. Writing, I believe, can change and save lives. Being in an isolated situation in my own life led me to this conclusion.  Had I not written a journal during that time, who knows where else my emotions would have taken me. Journaling kept me sane. The paper I wrote on made me feel heard, not silenced.

            The most important thing that I ever wrote would be a journal that helped me through a difficult time in my life. That journal included a series of what I like to call lost poetry. I started the journal in the year 2006, the year I lost my father. Everything from that moment felt like a landslide out of my control, loss for the next decade surrounded me. The only outlet that I could find that gave me any type of comfort or release of my bottled-up feelings was writing. I started a journal which included normal journal entries and poetry. The kind of poetry that when it was read it was felt. After a long ten years I finally broke free of my misery and left my abusive relationship that I was in along with my pages of poetry in that journal of despair. I would no longer let that part of my life hold me back from my talents or my purpose in life. No longer would I be silenced.

            In my walk in this life, my path has led me here. Achieving many goals that I have set for myself during these last few years has given me a much-needed boost of confidence. Having always the feeling of being drawn toward reading and writing, I am very curious as to how far I can go with writing. Often, I have thought about writing a biography or a testimony of some sort and dismissed that thought as quick as it came. What I lack in skill and knowledge I hope to take a class and be pointed in the direction I need to proceed forward toward that goal. And when I reach that goal, I will be without a doubt unsilenced forever.